Letting go

September was quite an emotional month with the death of my very special tante ( aunt) Alie. Now I realise that death is the only guarantee we have in life and it comes to us all. It isn't new to me, losing someone very near and dear. Yet the ache, the 'missing you' and the unfathomable sadness that comes with the letting go is something I struggle with each re-occurring time.

While I was in New Zealand on holiday visiting my children I was kept updated on my tante's failing health situation by my cousin, tante's youngest daughter. For some reason she and I are close and enjoy a special friendship. We have had regular contact over the years and a special bond has developed. My tante had a stroke. Her left side was mostly effected. She lost the ability to be independent. It crushed her. She felt so useless and devoid of any form of quality of life that it made her extremely sad. Yet her character wouldn't allow her to give up. She fought the illness with determination and dignity. The desired improvements however, just didn't materialise. Her dependency only increased. Tante Alie and the family held many a conference with the medical team around her. Strong willed as she was, tante's energy was zapped, her level of care was high, her improvements minimalistic.

After my return home I made my way to visit her in the hospital. How sad to see her so changed. So feeble and listless. Prior to my trip I visited my tante and oom ( uncle). She made me my coffee and brought the cake to the table. Although she needed her walker for outside the apartment- inside she managed well just with going from furniture to door etc. She coped well. To see this change in her was hard to take. I wished I had a magic wand to make her well again.

The decision to halt all treatment came from her. It took so much out of her that it didn't weigh up against the improvements. My tante was transfereed to the 'in care' ward of the care centre where she and oom lived in an apartment. My oom was capable of still living independently. With tante under the same roof- they were able to spend time together during the day. When I spent time with them one Saturday, first Mass in the chapel then coffee in the communal lounge, I could see that tante Alie's health had taken so many beatings, she barely had the energy to cope with each new day.

Two weeks after my last visit, tante Alie found her final rest. In the presence of her husband to whom she had been married for 63 and1/2 years, her two daughters and their spouses, tante Alie breathed her last. Peacefully and thankfully.

Her passing hit me hard. We had such a close and loving relationship. She knew all my secrets, my hurts and dreams. Tante was a matter of fact person. She listened. Never once did she say " do this or you  must do that". She listened- said what she thought was helpful to me and didn't force her own opinion ever.

At the farewell I was privileged to share some words- also bringing into the 'space' we were in, those relations ( including her brother) who live Down Under. They too were hurting. Loss at such a distance without being able to physically say goodbye, is extremely painful. I know this from personal experience.

My memories are stored, and I reach out to them regularly and cherish them. Her name will be on my lips, and her love and care for me are my precious legacies, worth their presence in gold.

Rest peacefully dearest tante Alie, rest peacefully.

When your child hurts

As far as I am aware most parents hurt when their child hurts. I say most because of the reports that appear in the media about child abuse in homes and child maiming or death instances where parents are found to be negligent or worse guilty of abhorrent treatment of their children. So, I repeat, MOST parents hurt when their child hurts. Whether it is with a common flu or 'minor' ailment to severe health issues which might mean heavy and drastic treatments.

But not only when your child is ill do you 'feel' their pain. Problems at school, relationship upsets, job struggles, personal struggles to name a few instances when I as a mum can truthfully say, " I hurt right along side you." If possible there are moments when you want to take their pain away to ease stress, sadness and in some instances - despair. I know, it is called life, lessons learned, their own walk. I know... it is just, well I just don't want them to have any kind of hurt!

(This blog is written from a MUM'S perspective. I realise dads feel things too - only I cannot describe those emotions because I am a MUM. So don't feel left out dads. I understand you too feel the pain- your way.)

When I was 13 my mum gave birth to my baby brother. Although a healthy looking baby, pretty hefty health issues were discovered. I recall my mum praying that she would rather loose the use of her legs in order that her baby would walk. He had spina bifida with a twist, and kyphosis of the spine. It turned our family's world upside down.

I am proud and pleased to mention my brother is a dad of 3 and just recently celebrated his 50th birthday. A miracle child in more ways than one. Mum mum did keep the use of her legs - with 5 hip operations and 2 knee surgeries. But hey, maybe she would have had to have those anyway! Who knows.

Being a MUM of 3, I too have had my shared sad moments when ills and unhappiness entered the lives of my children. Being an oma I now feel unsettled and connected with my grandchildren when they have their moments. A few years ago the intense disbelief and grief at the death of my step grandson, that pain lingers even still. Recently one had a ski accident, thankfully no lasting effects, there have been all sorts of health issues per child as per usual. The various levels of distress at times do creep up on me. NO, I am not a sad, forlorn, depressed person in any way or form. I think it is a natural healthy and emotional connection I experience with my children and grandchildren.

I 'feel' the happy moments too. My internal system detects up and downs - without even trying. I call it a blessing.

And now, for the BIG STUFF. What happens when you hear that your adult child is ill. Someone who has an independent life, family and friends. Does that pain then no longer affect you? Well, let me tell you, it still hurts. And for your child you want to be strong, encouraging, understanding, a rock, the shelter to run to. You want to have the wisdom, energy, the courage to be there hiding your own fears sadness and concerns. And as a mum you too need time to let the dust settle, come to terms with and get a grip on .... !

I received a long and detailed account of someone's daughter going through more than a wee rough health patch. More like a jungle. Not only does the patient have to digest all the information and let it all 'land' but those around close to her are also affected. And the ripple spreads.

In this big pond of loving and caring people, of which I am privileged to be one, we all want to swim with her. Our arms are there to catch her when she fears she will fall. But not only the patient - the MOTHER too will also need a floaty - an air cushion of love to ease the pain she feels - because HER CHILD HURTS.

Right this minute, and I know it will ease, I too hurt. For the mums with pain, because 

YOUR CHILD HURTS and YOU DO TOO!

Advent: Week III - feast day is nearing

The past two weeks I have focussed on issues relating to pregnancy, young mothers, life, gratitude and the like. All things one can mindfully 'do'.

Seems to me, that preparation in the actual physical sense is also an important aspect of any special event - so this week I want to include a focus on that.

Onze again a list of things come to mind. To celebrate something it seems obvious that this is done in the company of family and friends. For many the tradition is so set in concrete that the preparations are almost done mechanically like any well oiled routine. The menu is set, the guests are known, the place setting at the table always the same and the decorations familiar to all.

For others it can be a challenge - parents and in laws alternating between Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Do we GO there or do they COME over? Memories of joy or friction keep minds actively remembering the past experiences. The influence on the preparations can be quite daunting or give your feet wings.

The physical preparations can help heighten the excitement - making the up and coming event visible. The planning of the menu, decorations, pre-baking and cooking, maybe purchasing a new outfit. Sending Christmas greetings to those near and far.

Then there is the down side for those struggling with issues.

Family friendships and feuds have their origins during this ' merry' season. For some the most stressful period - for others the highlight of their year. Not everyone looks forward to Christmas Day.

So this week - my prayer and thoughts go out to those struggling to get through this period - due to;

 Personal stress.

Realtionship tensions.

Too heavy a work load. 

Anxiety.

Walking on a tightrope.

Financial worries.

Sad memories.

Missing loved ones.

The list could be longer - but enough to let you know - someone cares.

Despite the sadness and reasons for this pain, I pray that a ray of light will shine upon those households where darkness has descended.

This feast day - whether people are believers or not - has the potential to bring the JOY and PEACE we all seek and hold dear. Peace starts right here with me and I invite you to share your peace with those around you.

Disbelief, anguish and the WHY question #2

Yesterday I wrote about a young persons body being found. Dead! And although there was no evidence to support my thoughts- I presumed he had been murdered. Now the papers are full of a story not confirmed or denied by police, that Anass committed suicide. That, due to being bullied, this young 13 year old saw no other solution to his predicament.

HOW SAD, how dreadfully sad. This young boy called Anass, a colourful member of our society was bullied because of how he dressed, that he preferred dance to football, that he didn't conform to the norm and saw that to escape this horror he had to end his life.

This is the 3rd incident in a VERY short space of time. After the first two deaths I felt ill to the stomach. I still do. But I couldn't write about it- not then. It was so raw. But now I feel compelled to. To let readers know, that while I do not support the theory that suicide solves life's issues, that I can understand someone's despair.

And why do I understand. Been there- experienced that! I was, like many of the children today who are bullied, quiet about the situation. Didn't seek adult support. My self esteem was at ground leven or even lower. I didn't want to be laughed at by my peers, telling me " not to be silly". I formed friendships with older youth and my circle of friends wasn't exceptionally large. 

That doesn't mean bullying is only ' for kids'. My experience tells me otherwise. And maybe one has to have a certain sensitivity that makes those comments, sneers and judgement calls have such an impact. 

Anyway, this isn't about me, but about Anass and that he died ' by his own hand' as it is so formally worded. It is about the grief, disbelief, the knowledge that he isn't and won't be the last one to walk this particular walk.

Anass, although I feel your life enden prematurely, that I would rather you had enjoyed all the good things life has to offer, that you still were able to take your place at your family's table - I am SURE that the angles will have embraced you and your pain is no more.

R I P Anass - you will be missed by many!