Insecurities and expectations

This morning in our newspaper I read an interview article with a tv personality. This young woman is more active behind the scenes in tv land than up front. She has been offered a summertime programme to interview celebs or other prominent people. It is a Summertime special in which the person is interviewed for 3 hours...sort of laid back style, very personal and gives an insight into the person who holds the office or position they occupy in life.

I don't always watch the programme - depends on who the interviewer is- or the subject being interviewed.

The article this morning touched me. Funny. As I am not accustomed to being affected in this way reading about someone unknown and feeling an empathy which was most uncanny. I recognised myself in this person and some of her experiences. Her analyses of why she had developed certain mannerisms and characteristics were so familiar, that it was an eyeopener for me. It explained so much I sort of knew about myself but never acknowledged or thought consciously about. And when I did, I quickly pushed it aside. Not a nice place to visit.

Bullying: A hot item. Just the word alone makes me uncomfortable. Even as an adult it upsets me. Brings a nauseating feeling to the surface. I have no intention of 'going there' but believe me when I say, " I have first hand experience - having been at the receiving end both as a child and later as an adult."

So did the interviewee in the paper. She described some of her mannerisms and ways she had developed characteristics after her negative experiences, that are similar to mine. Always wanting to please, always needed affirmation. Always thinking that, "I am not good enough, try harder to be nicer, give more, take less, shrink don't be so present". At a gathering I would rather be in the kitchen than in the reception area. Give me the sink.... not the stage. If someone doesn't ring or call, I think it is my 'fault'.

 Now that doesn't mean I do not like to 'be nice' or even that I find myself continually in battle with myself. It just means- I have a natural tendency to say yes, to be alert, helpful or bow to other's wishes. Well, generally speaking. As I got older I grew in the need to put my foot down and my own needs came first - but that comes at a cost. I do however struggle with guilt issues when I don't meet a need or disappoint due to other commitments or circumstances where being helpful isn't possible. I enjoy seeing others happy, especially if in some way I have helped bring that about.

As I mentioned, it comes at a cost. Being well willing, comes naturally. Putting my wishes first doesn't. I am in continual battle with myself. I get nervous. Insecure, doubting. My behaviour is at times erratic and nervy. I make mistakes, bad judgements and become dithery. I come across incapable. Mostly because I am afraid of the reactions, judgements or not having pleased someone who might be affected simply because I put my foot down. I have a number of people on pedestals - at heights I can only admire, and with a certain misgiving that I will never be able to match that. It makes me nervous and uncomfortable at the same time.

Sad thing about that is, is that it colours my thinking, my actions and the expectations that others have of me. I want to meet the expectation - then I set the benchmark and I get it wrong.

How to fix something that is broken? This eternal need to please has damaged a few relationships in my time- and I hurt just remembering. Even now I know the relationship between me and a few 'close' people is precarious. Fragile and at a point where I do not know how to fix them. Me, a pleaser.

This is the first time I have put this on paper. I am, as the saying goes, finding a richer wisdom by age. Yet some answers still elude me. Having written this, thought deeply about it and re-read about 10 times, I see and understand more and more about my actions, my emotions, my 'me'.

Right now, this interview, the revelations and the inner soul searching has zapped my energy and left me feeling fragile and bruised. I know and believe that eventually I too will gain more insights to help me repair what needs repairing, adjust what needs adjusting and hopefully level off what needs leveling.

Anything with 'too' in front needs to reduce in size. Too much pleasing can be too much of a good thing. There is only one thing in life that deserves 2 OO's and that's love. One cannot love too much!

Disbelief, anguish and the WHY question #2

Yesterday I wrote about a young persons body being found. Dead! And although there was no evidence to support my thoughts- I presumed he had been murdered. Now the papers are full of a story not confirmed or denied by police, that Anass committed suicide. That, due to being bullied, this young 13 year old saw no other solution to his predicament.

HOW SAD, how dreadfully sad. This young boy called Anass, a colourful member of our society was bullied because of how he dressed, that he preferred dance to football, that he didn't conform to the norm and saw that to escape this horror he had to end his life.

This is the 3rd incident in a VERY short space of time. After the first two deaths I felt ill to the stomach. I still do. But I couldn't write about it- not then. It was so raw. But now I feel compelled to. To let readers know, that while I do not support the theory that suicide solves life's issues, that I can understand someone's despair.

And why do I understand. Been there- experienced that! I was, like many of the children today who are bullied, quiet about the situation. Didn't seek adult support. My self esteem was at ground leven or even lower. I didn't want to be laughed at by my peers, telling me " not to be silly". I formed friendships with older youth and my circle of friends wasn't exceptionally large. 

That doesn't mean bullying is only ' for kids'. My experience tells me otherwise. And maybe one has to have a certain sensitivity that makes those comments, sneers and judgement calls have such an impact. 

Anyway, this isn't about me, but about Anass and that he died ' by his own hand' as it is so formally worded. It is about the grief, disbelief, the knowledge that he isn't and won't be the last one to walk this particular walk.

Anass, although I feel your life enden prematurely, that I would rather you had enjoyed all the good things life has to offer, that you still were able to take your place at your family's table - I am SURE that the angles will have embraced you and your pain is no more.

R I P Anass - you will be missed by many!

Our chookrun

At the bottom of our garden is a chicken palace/run. 

It houses our 4 chickens. We have two species and maybe due to my ageing grey matter, I cannot for the life of me remember which sort they are. Never mind. That isn't the reason for my story, or is it? Mmmm..

They came from the same breeder and were in the same pen so we assumed that they got on or at least knew each other wel enough to get on. My husband Leen chose two and I chose two, so 2 x 2.


It didn't take long to realise that these chooks weren't as chummy as we thought. We hadn't noticed that in the large coup they came from. And well, it seems where more than one share a space, there always needs to be a BOSS. A leader, one that gives the go ahead and says, "go on, you can eat now. I've had my fill, picked out the yummiest bits, the rest is yours". That's the way it goes, in a chook run? Well, we kept an eye on things for a wee while. Thought, they need time to settle in, new surroundings, tons of space, different food. Excellent care.

It has been just over a year now. And boy oh boy, have I spent hours observing their behaviour. Whilst 'the boss' is a chicken- she actually wears the trousers and acts like a rooster ( except she lays the eggs). Part two of this duo, due to bullying, is the runt of the group. And totally understandably, has escaped a couple of times.

I actually feed her separately, secretly and on the quiet so that the 'boss' doesn't hear the grain fall on the surface. As soon as I walk past the run she gets all geared up to sneakely make her way to her feeding spot. If she has to pass her agressor, she makes a wide birth not wanting to arouse suspicion. Once arrived she stands there on her -weak in the knees, spindly legs- trembling all over.

Funnily enough the other two just kept to themselves, mindful they could be next. Whilst eating they keep their beady eye on the 'boss' just in case. They try to keep a safe and healthy distance and seem quite relaxed.

The niggly part is, is that the 'boss' is the only chook laying at present. I have dark thoughts about this chook and am not proud of them. Still, I am for the underdog ( in this case chook) and feel even the soup pot is too good for the 'boss'. Bet it's a tough bird!

A couple of days ago we noticed that our wee chook limped. Lookt whispy and sad. We set het apart with food and water close within beaks reach. She can't be intimidated now and has her own safe space to get well.

Lo and behold, what did I see this morning, The 'boss' has found herself another scapegoat ( chicken). Poor thing just skirted around and on higher ground just in time before it got henpecked. Appears the 'boss' needs a target and isn't slow in finding a replacement. A birth defect, in the genes, acquired habit???

I have a dilemma. Do I rid the chookrun of this bully? I am sure that as soon as we allow our wee one to rejoin the group she'll be picked on, the weakest is always the target. Assuming ofcourse she'll get well enough to go back that is.

Well, now here's the thing! This is the story of our chookrun. It sounds awefully similar to stories I read in the paper. Stories in society. Those thinking they have the unspoken right to 'rule' over others. Those who can't bear being 'one of the crowd'. Those who 'pick the best' out of everything, first in line. They are swift, alert, and don't miss a trick. And if they feel cheated or robbed- they hand out punishment, they don't end up in the soup!

I want peace in my chookrun. There is more than enough space, room for privacy. There is space for a gathering. Togetherness, They can sleep apart of snuggle up. When peace reigns, more eggs will follow though that isn't my main concern. Even without eggs - all I want is PEACE on EARTH.

It is the Epiphany today ( Three Kings). The Christmas story has just begun. Let's not douse the fire just yet. Let's stoke it up and let the flames be seen from afar, drawing people to it- together! Let there be PEACE - on everyone's turf!