Insecurities and expectations

This morning in our newspaper I read an interview article with a tv personality. This young woman is more active behind the scenes in tv land than up front. She has been offered a summertime programme to interview celebs or other prominent people. It is a Summertime special in which the person is interviewed for 3 hours...sort of laid back style, very personal and gives an insight into the person who holds the office or position they occupy in life.

I don't always watch the programme - depends on who the interviewer is- or the subject being interviewed.

The article this morning touched me. Funny. As I am not accustomed to being affected in this way reading about someone unknown and feeling an empathy which was most uncanny. I recognised myself in this person and some of her experiences. Her analyses of why she had developed certain mannerisms and characteristics were so familiar, that it was an eyeopener for me. It explained so much I sort of knew about myself but never acknowledged or thought consciously about. And when I did, I quickly pushed it aside. Not a nice place to visit.

Bullying: A hot item. Just the word alone makes me uncomfortable. Even as an adult it upsets me. Brings a nauseating feeling to the surface. I have no intention of 'going there' but believe me when I say, " I have first hand experience - having been at the receiving end both as a child and later as an adult."

So did the interviewee in the paper. She described some of her mannerisms and ways she had developed characteristics after her negative experiences, that are similar to mine. Always wanting to please, always needed affirmation. Always thinking that, "I am not good enough, try harder to be nicer, give more, take less, shrink don't be so present". At a gathering I would rather be in the kitchen than in the reception area. Give me the sink.... not the stage. If someone doesn't ring or call, I think it is my 'fault'.

 Now that doesn't mean I do not like to 'be nice' or even that I find myself continually in battle with myself. It just means- I have a natural tendency to say yes, to be alert, helpful or bow to other's wishes. Well, generally speaking. As I got older I grew in the need to put my foot down and my own needs came first - but that comes at a cost. I do however struggle with guilt issues when I don't meet a need or disappoint due to other commitments or circumstances where being helpful isn't possible. I enjoy seeing others happy, especially if in some way I have helped bring that about.

As I mentioned, it comes at a cost. Being well willing, comes naturally. Putting my wishes first doesn't. I am in continual battle with myself. I get nervous. Insecure, doubting. My behaviour is at times erratic and nervy. I make mistakes, bad judgements and become dithery. I come across incapable. Mostly because I am afraid of the reactions, judgements or not having pleased someone who might be affected simply because I put my foot down. I have a number of people on pedestals - at heights I can only admire, and with a certain misgiving that I will never be able to match that. It makes me nervous and uncomfortable at the same time.

Sad thing about that is, is that it colours my thinking, my actions and the expectations that others have of me. I want to meet the expectation - then I set the benchmark and I get it wrong.

How to fix something that is broken? This eternal need to please has damaged a few relationships in my time- and I hurt just remembering. Even now I know the relationship between me and a few 'close' people is precarious. Fragile and at a point where I do not know how to fix them. Me, a pleaser.

This is the first time I have put this on paper. I am, as the saying goes, finding a richer wisdom by age. Yet some answers still elude me. Having written this, thought deeply about it and re-read about 10 times, I see and understand more and more about my actions, my emotions, my 'me'.

Right now, this interview, the revelations and the inner soul searching has zapped my energy and left me feeling fragile and bruised. I know and believe that eventually I too will gain more insights to help me repair what needs repairing, adjust what needs adjusting and hopefully level off what needs leveling.

Anything with 'too' in front needs to reduce in size. Too much pleasing can be too much of a good thing. There is only one thing in life that deserves 2 OO's and that's love. One cannot love too much!

The challenges and victories of multi-culturalism

Nederland: The elections are behind us. The people have spoken. Times and situations are very turbulent. Emotions have run high. Over al the 'battle' was clean. No real scandals to speak of. We didn't need them really. Enough 'other stuff' happening.

It hasn't gone unnoticed that here in Nederland, we are struggling with international tensions between countries. Since the huge upsurge of displaced peoples who have fled their home countries due to war, hunger and little prospect of a safe existence and fulfilling future, Europa has become the prime target for migration of those seeking a better future.

I would be the last person to say that leaving a place of war or devastation is not the solution to the problem. I can imagine that for the majority, leaving loved ones, homes, culture and lifestyle behind under these circumstances must be horrific.

People immigrate every day. They seek their good ( or worse) fortune elsewhere. A choice they make for better or worse. But refugees often have no choice. So where so they go? What is the best option?

What does baffle me, is that people don't choose a country where their cultural differences are more in tune with their own. Where religion, language, weather, life style and food are more alike to their own needs, customs and comforts. Instead they brave the dangers and end up in 'holding camps' hoping for better things to come. Most of them being robbed of any dignity, all their money and possessions, hopes and dreams. Reality being:  the grass wasn't as green as they thought it might be. The differences and prospects so adversely challenging then they assumed that the realisation of what they've done adds to the already feeling of being unwanted,  not welcome. How horrible is that.

As a 'new settler' Down Under in the early1960's, our family's priority was to learn the language, attend school, find work, make friends and blend in- keeping our identity but melting into the culture we embraced as being our new 'home'. We succeeded. Yes, we still cooked evening meals 'like home' but also added new flavours and dishes to our meals. No, we didn't wear clogs to school- didn't do that in Nederland either. We did learn to accept jandals. My parents kept their accent, we children didn't.

Today, I am back in the country of my birth. I went to the local supermarket today. It is a Turkish Supermarket- AWESOME. Specialises in Turkish products but also stocks the necessary dutch daily fare. I see vegetables I am unfamiliar with. I can't read all the labels. I am curious about certain recipes. I love the meat department- lots of lamb, NZ lamb even or so I am told. I have the privilege of tasting foods from all over the world. Because others have settled here. I can't understand all the conversations as I walk down the aisle. While shopping here I am in another world. I have couscous, lam cutlets, three bunches of fresh herbs tied with string ( mint, coriander, Turkish parsley), I have chickpeas and Turkish yoghurt and bread, and a cereal as dutch as they come, Brinta.

With my Dutch heritage, my Kiwi influences and my Turkish Supermarket my life is enriched. Now here's hoping that people everywhere will attempt to accept and get to know their neighbours. Learn from their differences and share their knowledge and friendships. If we can start in the kitchen- then maybe we can also learn more about each other on other fronts- learn, accept and allow everyone to be who they are meant to be.

Upon re-reading this before publishing my blog ( which I do to erase typos etc) I can only sum up by drawing this conclusion. Other cultures arrive here looking for a better, safer life and more promising future. Then after a while there are protests and judgements about our western lifestyle, customs, religion and way of life. Why choose a Western country if our values are not approved of? If the west is 'the place to be'. Then live as the western people do - keeping own identity and customs alive at home but become part of the community which was chosen for a better and safer future.

It can work- I know that for a fact - in harmony and showing respect for each other!

Solutions to conflicts and poverty take many forms. 

Helping a country restore the balance 

so people can stay in their own environment is also an option. 

Fleeing isn't always the answer. 

Helping each other is.

Rain or shine, it's just fine!

I woke up this morning and like a past 3 mornings, it was dry outside. My first thought...oh good, I'll hang out the washing as soon as I have read the paper.

Yes well, famous last thoughts. It is in the dryer as I type. It has rained for most of the day. It set me to thinking. How 'lost' we can become if our day doesn't take shape or unfold as we imagine it ought.

Now I am a flexible type...have always got an inside and outside list of things to do. But I do know there are those who haven't got such an easy to get at reset button. What happens to those people? Do they dive back into bed, throw up their arms in the air with desperation in their eyes? Flake out on the couch? Mmmm. How do they cope?

I picked up pa (my father- in- law) and we did the grocery shopping for our family day. It's the 32nd gathering of it's kind this year. Next Wednesday is tagged to hold this special event. Every year on the third Wednesday of June. Rain or no rain, blistering sun or not..... No-one needs to push any buttons. We just forge on regardless and relentlessly. So amazing, so many layers of family ( 4 generations).

After returning him home, I met up with my cousin René. He is off to NZ next weekend (24th) for 4 weeks. We had planned to sit outside on the terrace along the river.... But flexi cuzzies that we are, we sat inside, behind glass along the river. Two cappuccinos followed by two wines later we parted company. It was dry. The clouds had managed to lift their spirits as we had, and gave the impression that we could expect less water from above. For the time being anyway.

Did it matter it rained...? No not one iota. The washing is dry, the chores got done and I had one of the sunniest days for a long time and didn't need sunblock!

Happy days, wet or fine, dull or with sunshine.