It was 6:30 am. After untangling myself off the couch I proceeded downstairs crept past my sleeping husband to the bathroom and filled the bath. My aching muscles relaxed somewhat in the warmer than warm water which in turn relaxed me as well. When I looked on the clock a little later- I realised I had slept almost two hours. The tepid water had awoken me so I dived into my still warm bed and slept fitfully till 11:00.
Re-settling on the couch ( yet again) I decided to once again start my dialogue with God. My dis-ease with the situation had increased. Why wasn't I getting better? What was I doing wrong? Ask and you shall receive! I had prayed in thanksgiving for all I had, maybe not enough? But wait a minute! We aren't puppets who dance to the tune of the puppeteer. God had given us a free will. Presented with opportunities we were in the position to make choices. Take a right turn, left turn or by-pass the hurdle. Pray for guidance and wisdom. And yes, mistakes are made, paths that are best avoided sometimes taken. That is all part of our learning. Somewhere along the line it felt as if I was doing a trade off.
God made a promise, call on me and I will be there. I shouldn't have to do a trade off, surely?! I know I am not infallible and make mistakes. I do try to uphold God's laws to the best of my ability. I try to be the person I need to be for my fellow man. My humanness allows for mistakes but also for correction of errors by penance and admitting my mistakes. That's how I grow and learn.
It occurred to me I had started 'trading' in prayer. God if you... then I will...!! And that was never my intention. Wrong way to communicate. My head was spinning with all this ' heady heavy' stuff. No wonder I felt so ALONE in my struggle. Somehow I got the feeling I wasn't being heard- anywhere and by no-one at all.
Hello....where are you? I am trying to talk to you. Another day lost, a week not being put to good use. I have no way of doing a catch up after such a long period out of circulation. Please, hear my plea! Opportunities are being lost Lord, help me. PLEASE.
I felt so ALONE, so utterly and totally ALONE.