My most moving moment came that Wednesday evening. Now I had experienced my share of downs in my life ( who hasn't) but this one will go into my memory books as 'never to be forgotten'. God had never felt so far away- so distant, and I had never felt so abandoned and alone.
Re-settled (again) on my couch I cried ( literally) out loud to God. " A whole week is slipping by, all that you wrapped in those days to be gone and lost forever. I am sure that wasn't Your intention. I am convinced You had plans for me- I know I had plans Lord. Tasks to perform. How come I get the feeling You are preoccupied, not listening or at least not hearing my cry for help. Where are You? What am I doing wrong?
When I left New Zealand to return home to the Netherlands I left nearly everything behind except for a few personal belongings. In the small crate was one piece of furniture. My dad's old comfy chair. I 'inherited' the chair from him kinda official like, with a note and all, stating this 'handover' which made the gift even more precious. When I am down, or happy, or lonely, or filled with energy I sit in that chair and feel my dad's arms around me. It is a very special feeling. I close my eyes and dad is right there with me. This chair is upstairs in the office- and due to my state of mind and unwellness- out of reach. The climb just too steep, the energy not present to attempt to go and sit in my comfort chair.
The clock showed 23:00- almost another day gone, wasted. My husband slept, not surprisingly he was also becoming more unsettled due to my situation. My emotions and despair were penetrating the whole atmosphere of our home. Here I sat, on the couch, hands in my lap, shoulders almost on the floor- being as miserable as I could be.
|Worn out with love- time for a recover job|
His presence filled the room, He had come to be with me, to hold and comfort me, just me. I knew He was here, for me.
When I became aware of my surroundings again, awakening as if out of a dream- which it wasn't, I saw that 1 + 1/2 hours had passed. No I wasn't pain free, I did still feel nauseated and unwell, but different. I wanted to sing, dance, jump up and down. A joy filled my body- the room appeared filled with the brightest sunshine yet is was night and I had been sitting in a darkened room.
I crept downstairs, I wanted to sleep- at least I thought that was the best thing to do- so as to be fresh in the morning. But sleep didn't want me and after some time..... I returned upstairs. After making a cup of tea and buttering a cracker I re-captured the emotions and happenings of the previous hours. How absolutely awesome had this encounter been with my God. Right here in this room, on this couch after all my cries of woe, my prayers of despair. All those 'issues' I so struggled with had become mere 'things' to deal with. I felt unburdened and light.
Due to my pondering I hadn't heard the door open, or the footsteps on the stairs. All of a sudden my husband appeared as if out of nowhere. He told me he had woken earlier and felt unsettled- so he came and joined me, poured himself a cup of tea also. Then he sat down opposite me and said " I have been doing a lot of thinking and I want to talk to you. Maybe this is the perfect time to do just that- would you come and sit by me so we can talk?"