Sharing memories- the privilege of parenting.

Our summer holiday season is mid way. I have enjoyed 2 wonderful weeks away and have since come back down to earth picking up routines and chores that I had let go so I had the space to recharge my batteries.

This morning my ICT expert assisted me in re-organising my failed Office package. I had also received numerous messages from Apple that my storage was filling up. Time to take charge and tidy up my files.

Well I don't know about you, but when I unearth old photos or letters, I tend to get a bit side tracked. The result this time has been that I have mulled over my motherhood period when my children were little. Actually the pregnancy and early years memories to be exact.

Now, I tend to overload my storage area in my head too. The way to clear it somewhat- not erase, just tidy up, is to put thoughts ''on paper'. That is exactly what I have spent the past couple of hours doing. I typed and typed. Fixed errors ( I hope) and have re-read what I've written. Many many memories remain unwritten- but that's ok. What I've shared I am content with.

As a mum and proud of all 3, I realised I have never shared these thoughts with them or anyone for that matter.

I hope that when they read it, they get to know me better. And for those 'strangers' who read my stories- maybe your own memories will float to the surface- and the knowledge of those moments may just trigger a feeling of nostalgia, pride, joy and possibly also sadness and/or regret. All these emotions are human, necessary and hold healing properties where healing is needed. Life is a combination of good with bad. Believe me, none of us escape that unfortunately. Some more often that others.

I have been privileged to have raised 3 children. They are adults now and raising their own families. May their joys be as abundant as mine were, their recollections heartwarming and their rewards unrestricted.

Parenting, one of life's privileges. And I am grateful I was one of those granted that role in life.

Over the next week or so 3 stories of my experiences will be posted...so keep your eye on my blog if you are interested.

Social Media - how much is too much?

Can you imagine your life without Social Media?

Have you ever counted the hours spent reading messages, replying to them or searching the web for information?

I use Internet every day.

Each morning I have an early morning chat session with a friend. That way I know she's ok- had a good or bad night's sleep and we occasionally exchange our day's plans/planning. It is just like the neighbour who is alert and sees that the curtains next door are open or not! No contact then something is amiss.

I also check for messages from my children- they are up and about while I sleep. My grandchildren- the somewhat older ones have access to Snapchat and send me photos and or messages. Love getting those before I eat my porridge.

I blog - sometimes daily- because I have a number of blogs each with their own theme,  I try to keep my contributions regular and interesting.

And yes, many years ago- I enrolled myself on Facebook. My children thought it a great way to share photos and happenings- and I was asked to join them on this 'new' platform to keep me informed of their activities.

Without realising it- one can spend HOURS online. Chatting, message-ing, sharing your own and peaking into other peoples lives.

I do not only write Blogs, I read them as well.

I do not only have my children as 'friends' on Facebook- but many 'friends' as well.

I do not only 'chat' with one person - but respond to all my friends when they appear on my screen.

I haven't 'timed' my online moments- as I still have time to do my shopping, hang out the washing, do the ironing, cook dinners, bake, wash windows, have girl's nights out, couch sit watching my fav tv programme, read, follow a course and spend time outdoors. I visit friends and relatives, go out for dinner with my husband and have face to face personal conversations with friends and neighbours. And yes, I get my 7-8 hours sleep a night.

With all the comments about spending too much time on Social Media I would like to say - it is all a matter of planning, of schedules and availability. Being sensible- moderating, planning.

Just like healthy eating- make sure you don't 'over eat' by being sensible. There will always be 'over eaters' in either food, Internet usage or other 'too much' categorised activities. Guide the young - influence them by example. Open doors - don't tuck the computers away in dark corners but let it be a communal activity. Laugh at each others funny clips and respect each others privacy. Don't just BE but GET involved. Like watching tv as a family ( which also was something one had to learn and adjust to) so too is being 'online' something you can share.

It was meant to be fun- and it CAN be just that. FUN!

There is this dilemma

It took some thinking, soul searching and a reality check to finally realise that for some issues there is no right or wrong answer or solution.

Many of my friends have 'finished' rearing their families and the children have made it to adulthood- some thinking of having families of their own. Some taking off around the world on a voyage of discovery - experiencing both personal and geograhical discoveries and slowly realising where they 'fit' into the big picture of life. And then there are those in the throes of childrearing. Bringing up their children in the same but a slightly different kind of way. The same- they want the best for their child - different because they live in a different timeline with their young.

Sometimes I wonder whether any generation had it easier than another. My parents had their children ( my siblings) just post war in Europe. My parents were raised between the 2 wars. I raised my children between the 70's and mid 90's. One could almost say - the same but different, for each generation.

I know there are some things I 'borrowed' from my childhood. I also know I avoided some of them, not because I thought I knew better- but because I noticed too that times and opportunities had changed and so had society as a whole.

Children ( in general) lived closer to their parents. Immigration and job prospects, cars and better roads have led to a greater physical distance between many a parent and their offspring. Nipping in for a cuppa and a chat session hasn't disappeared but has evolved.

Advice, once freely given, now more often than not - not sought by parents but 'online' or with friends. And when a parent is approached - how do you respond? I know I find it difficult to asses at times. In my situation - I don't have physical contact in the sense of 'popping in' but communicate using modern technics. All a case of logistics.


There is a fine line between meddling, interfering and actually being able to 'give' the right advice.
That is my experience. When in conversation I try not to immediately formulate a response. Not only with my children but anyone who seeks to pour their heart out over an issue that concerns them.

Recently I had such an experience. A loving couple tried to persuade their son not to travel abroad. To wait until he had some more work experience, money saved, maybe go with a friend. All, in their eyes, valid arguments to reconsider his plan. They just found letting go so hard. When I mentioned that possibility to them - they looked surprised. It didn't occurred to them that their negative reactions were in fact a sign of their love for him and were scared about letting go.

Later that week I bumped into him at the local supermarket. Without the son knowing they had confided in me - He started telling me about his impending departure filling me in on all his travel plans. Then his smile faded and a frown appeared - " I feel so sad to hurt mum and dad", he said. "They just don't understand how important this is for me. I think they don't feel I am capable of looking after myself. I keep on getting all these negative messages and they don't get involved at all in the planning. They just don't approve."

I could have made all sorts of comments and pointing the son into a direction - similar to having made the comment to the parents- but I thought, let them nut it out at home amongst themselves. Maybe after a while his parents wil have a change of heart and be happy for him and his leap into independence.

I know from a personal point of view - that I am happy when my children are happy. No, I don't have to raise them' any more, maybe a nudge every now and then- which they are free to ignore should they so wish. Maybe after a while they may notice that the nudge wasn't such a bad thing after all - but it is their choice.

I try to avoid coming close to that fine line- but as many parents know- that isn't always easy!

Children = my children, their partners and grandchildren

You bring light into my life

Love into my world

and joy in my heart.

Support at a distance

There are days when I ponder on whether or not the actual physical distance between me and my (grand)+children is a hindrance or not. Certainly coffee and stay-over moments are out of the question but I was thinking more in the lines of; How I can be of practical support as far as advice ( giving and taking), sharing of hopes and dreams and generally 'being a mum/oma' at a distance? And is that distance a spell breaker?

My children all have families of their own. Their addresses are spread over Australia and New Zealand. They are beautiful adults with firm goals and hopes and dreams as all ( or most?) parents are. I admire their energie, their drive and commitment to their children and each other. No road is smooth, no journey without it's disappointments and challenges. Still they journey on - together with the occasional input, where and when asked, needed or offered, by me as their 'living at a distance' mum.

And last weekend I had one of those moments. A few years ago one of my grandsons asked me to play an online computer game with him. I bought the game- tried to get the hang of it- yes, I did try, but eventually he did opt out and played with his friends- saying, " It is ok oma, this is just not your thing". We did play Scrabble too a while- which was also fun. So in sense we shared the same space as if I was there visiting. It felt good.

Now that same grandson is heading for his last year High School. At his age it is still very hard for him to know in which direction he wants to go - in deciding on future study plans. And that isn't unusual. Having to choose something for life when you've just come calling. For a wee moment I felt useless. As a mum of 3, a former teacher and having worked with students I am only too aware of how frustratingly hard this choice making situation can be. Not only for the child but also the adults, the parents who feel unable to communicate or advise on this matter without it becoming a challenging conversation- leading to more frustration. Some parents have this dream that their child will follow in their footsteps ( profession) and some definitely don't want that at all.

So now, my grandson and I have chatted about this for a while- and I made him an offer. I suggested that he and I work together on finding what suits his style, knowledge and interest. We are going on a treasure hunt together. With regular 'meets' online, we will dive into the possibilities with as goal- some sort of answer to the question: Where to after this.....! After all, if I was in the neighbourhood - I would do the same.

At the present point in time we are looking at making a schedule, setting goals ( one step at a time) and learning how we can both become disciplined in this exciting journey together. It involves trust and commitment by us both- because I need to also deliver the support, encouragement and follow ups - to keep the ball rolling. There is no real ' big brother' check up system in place- just our own honesty and perseverance. I am keen to get started and especially excited about - the journey itself. We will use 2016 to travel together. How cool is that?

TOGETHER with my grandson - from a distance - but on the same wave length.

 

A dream come true!

Down Under

Down Under, as far as I am aware and have always presumed - is Aotearoa / New Zealand AND Australia.  No Aotearoa isn't a place in New Zealand. It means Land of the Long White Cloud.

Aotearoa (Land of the Long White Cloud) was the name given to New Zealand when the first canoes were paddled "Down Under' and the first inhabitants, the Maori, discovered this country which was at that moment shrouded in a long white cloud. The Europeans, the Dutch to be exact called the land New Zealand.

I lived Down Under for 30 odd years, in Aotearoa / New Zealand.
But folks here in Nederland (The Netherlands)  usually only connect Down Under with Australia.

Just as NZ-ers ( kiwis to those in the know) and Australians whom I have met - think Nederland
is actually called Holland and we just pop in to friends living in Norway because, " that's close isn't it?"

Nederland has 12 provinces - and only a few belong to the part most people call Holland. And just as in all countries, governments keep bringing about changes to provinces, borders and flags - so too are plans beng formulated to alter our provinces' structure. But no more on that - just to say, not only are Europeans not that well informed about Down Under issues - so too are the facts about Europe not that well know Down Under.

Why is that important to me? Because I am a dutch - kiwi. Half my life was spent in New Zealand and the other half here in the country of my birth, Nederland. And I am proud of my status I can tell you.

I actually feel myself a bit of an Australian too. My son, daughter in law and grandsons and other family members  live in Australia. I visit there when I travel Down Under to hug, hold and be near my children and grandchildren.

And I have a dream - I dream that my children ALL are whisked away on a plane together and arrive on Schiphol Airport to share, love hug and hold me here. In my country of birth. My home, where my roots are deeply entrenched.

As it happens, my daughter, son-in-law and three of my grandchildren are making part of that dream come true. I realise that my dream is a wee bit of a ' too hard basket' type of dream and am totally thrilled with the prospect I now am rocketing towards.

Another 6 weeks to go and I will be able to bike, eat pancakes, croquettes, visit the windmills, got to the market, the Efteling, Open Lucht Museum in Arnhem, Safari Park Beeksebergen to name a few prospects.....!

Oma ( that's me) is going to be rushed of her feet, swell with pride and smile the biggest smile for the duration of their visit. By the time the sightseeing is complete- they will find it hard to leave - and I will find it hard to say goodbye!

But memories will have been made, times shared, tears spilt and laughter heard. Oh what an awesome prospect. I feel so enormously blessed.

Become a 'groupie'.

Pake Schoffelmeer
Pro Ecclesia et Pontifice

I was born into a catholic, loving and caring family. God smiled on my parents and blessed them with 5 children.

My grandfathers on both sides were known for their energy and strength in 'doing good'  for the underprivileged and vulnerable. My paternal grandfather, pake (granddad) Schoffelmeer received a papal decoration for his dedication and compassion. He was a very humble man and this honour bestowed upon him presented him with some discomfort. It was his mission in life to help those who needed help - should they cross his path. He desired no more or no less than just THAT!

'Opa' Jan Zwaga in Seattle 1946
Baldie almost in the middle - above the man reading
(yes, it's a book not an iPad)

My maternal grandfather was known ( amongst other things) for his involvement in establishing the Catholic Workers Union. A man of great integrity and drive. A man with vision and a strong sense of justice - Social Justice.

There are also more family members who left their mark on the world doing what they felt they were required to do - not by force but in love - and in faith. So I guess you could say I have 'Catholicism' in my genes.

How I describe it - is that I have FAITH in my genes. I have the Holy Spirit within me, there to guide, advice, listen to and who listens TO me. To my worries, insecurities and questions. I trust in the wisdom of the Spirit and totally accept this wonderful presence of God in my life.

Since my return home to the Netherlands I have not yet found my niche within a church community/ parish. Not sure why. What I have been 'given' are new friendships and ways to deepen my faith. And one of those blessings comes in the shape of a christian writer - Marja Meijers.

Marja has written books on the Ten Commandments - covering 5 of them to date. On a Wednesday evening a group of about 12 of us gather and we dissect, muse over, re-read and discuss her writings. Not to appease her, or to all nod and agree with her vision - but to dig within and discover our own truths and insecurities, long held beliefs and inherited ideas.

A time to make our faith OUR OWN! 

To take ownership of what it means to BE! 

To BELIEVE.

To GROW.

And we don't only discuss Marja's books but others too pass the review. So interesting and so refreshing. I would certainly recommend anyone to start up, set up or go to such a gathering. There is so much to discuss and discover - in the psalms, New and Old Testament and other christian books which grace shelves in the Christian Book stores.

Anyway, my point is - If one has an interest, wants to develop a talent or conquer a craft - then it is helpful - beneficial even to dig into the topic and learn as much as one can about it. This helps make one stronger and helps to deepen the knowledge.

So too, those of us who say we BELIEVE - it isn't enough to just say it - but we are asked to share it, to practice it to LIVE it!

And to be able to do that - we need to surround ourselves with every means available which assists us in that growth and learning process.

I want to thank Marja for allowing the Spirit to guide and advise her. These books hold knowledge and a love for God she unselfishly shares with those interested.

I want to thank the Spirit for guiding my life so that Marja crossed my path - or  - that I crossed hers.

I also am grateful for all those other participants who share THEIR ideas, ideologies and questions - so we all have the opportunity to grow in faith and knowledge.

9 of the 12 members of our "Wednesday journey group'.

Girlie night- friends night

It hardly seems possible that we have been home for a week. Yes, a whole week. We fitted back into life's pattern without so much as a hitch picking up where we left off on the 4th of October.

We have made visits to friends and family, we have had a few diners sharing a meal, we have received and made welcome home phone calls and distributed the odd gifts.

Before I left I set a date with a group of women whom I am proud to call friends. We don't spend every weekend together but we are close. It is time for a girlie night. Time to share some experiences, catch up on events and just be girls.

I have chosen a movie, selected some appropriate foodies and just have to make a selection of our photo collection of our trip. My phone has pinged a few times already with messages of ' can't wait- looking forward to... etc! So nice to know I am not the only one who is looking forward to seeing everyone again.

It made me stop and think- how rich I am. Not in monetary terms believe me, but in something money can't buy. Friendship and fellowship. These five women were once the friends of my husbands late wife. They have embraced me and allowed me a place in their midst unconditionally. I have probably written about this before- it still fills me with awe.

I know I am not alone, I can find support and a shoulder when I need it - as they can with me. I know they aren't a substitute for my children and my other friends  down under but they are special and they are right here.

There is a saying- you can pick your friends but not your family. I love my family including my sister and brothers and in their own way they will have feelings for me- good or bad ;-) but I have to say-
I feel like I have gained more family since knowing these women.

I am truly blessed. I know that the gift of friendship is a wonderful thing. The bible too is full of stories about friends and friendships. Jonathan and David or Ruth and Naomi to mention a couple. Friendships are there to help celebrate life!

Being friends doesn't mean you have to agree with everything or that you can't or won't be hurt or disappointed at some stage but it does mean there are those who care just that little bit more for you than the casual people in your life.

Friends are precious, so take good care of them.

Dearest sister

It was the 5th of the 5th 1950 the day you were born and became your parents', Jan en Johanna, eldest daughter. I still have a couple of photos of you and Peter, our older brother. Jou were as pretty as a picture with those blond curls and smiley face. It took 3 years till I was born when you became my older sister. I was the second daughter.

And then there were 3

We shared a room together. I had a small twin bed against the wall of our parents bedroom. You slept under the window. During the winter months you crept into bed beside me due to the ice flowers on the window- it was so cold then without central heating. I remember times when you wanted to test whether or not I was asleep. You would pinch my nose closed till I gasped for air. Just a childhood prank. Quite natural behaviour for siblings.

As my older sister, it was often your responsibility to watch out for me. Especially seeing we went to school by train and had to walk a distance from the railway station. We had an ok relationship - you were my sister, and that was that. No nonsense. We behaved like the average family with 4 children, in fun, friendship, teasing and irritating each other as we grew up and found our way in life as children do.

Family pose

I remember how proud you were when I ' grew up and became a woman'. I also remember you opening your home to mum, baby brother and me when we returned to New Zealand. You were about to give birth to your first born. Very generous.

Together we started our families. It was always a bubbly busy time when we visited our parents together.

We shared many experiences in life. Unfortunately our relationship stranded many years ago. It continues to cause me grief and I miss having a sister. I miss sharing chit chats about our grandchildren, how I would have loved sharing those with you. I would have loved to meet your husband and visited you at your home. I would so have loved to.......

A grandchildren's
visit to oma and opa's place

What cannot be altered, and I am glad it can't be, is that we ARE sisters.

Dearest sister, I love you. Today is your birthday and I think back on our times together. Who knows what the future holds for us. I live in that hope!

All my love,
Your only sister

One step at a time

Last night, for whatever reason, I woke after a short sleep. As it sometimes happens I was wide awake. Not wanting to wake or disturb my husband, who slept merrily on, I put on some warm woollies and made a mug of hot milk and settled on the couch with a  lovely cuddly rug. And there I was- somewhere around 2am with time for myself to do whatever was of my chosing.

And I chose a book. Not just any book, but a book written by Marja Meijers. Marja has written 5 books with as subject -  The ten commandments. Her approach isn't  - DON'T do this or that, but what one CAN do. I have had this book for some time but seeing the unsettled nature of the past few months I couldn't concentrate. Now I had the space and time to acquaint myself with it's contents.

This particular book, My neighbours house, handles the 10th commandment - "keep your hands of other people's things and don't be jealous of what others have or do"- the contents in plain language and in a nutshell. Marja's other books are also in English and available online for purchase ( in case you were wondering).

At the end of each chapter - as in the other books, Marja gives time for reflection. She suggests things to think about, write and soul search about. So here I was in the wee hours asking myself "have I ever been envious, jealous, covetting what others had?" No way! No, I am not envious of the car next door, of the renovated home friends recently had done, of the high caliber restaurants friends visit as this is their hobby, of the frequent 'warm' holidays planned and executed by acquaintances each year. No me. I wasn't brought up to be like that! Never..... who is kidding who. I am sure we all at some time or another have a  quiet 'I wish that I too...' moment.

Due to my falling eyelids I put the book down and closed my eyes. I could think with them closed. And think I did. My thoughts went to all the things I was grateful for. My children and grandchildren, my relationship, my health, the ability to be able to help others, the chance I have of becoming self supportive with my own small business, the opportunity to share what talents I have with those seeking help. With the possiblity for growth and conquering failings and weaknesses.

More and more frequently I hear people say "in the past ( back then?) life was simpler, we had more time, less distractions, things were better". Imagine that the world stood still, that nothing changed. That we had no possibility to grow and develop our talents. Pretend we still cooked on a wood stove,  not that that is so bad but you get my drift.

In the past ( whenever that was) people struggled with jealously, discontent and envy. And then too, there were people like Marja Meijers who wrote books, shared thoughts and helped us see the light. I am glad I live TODAY, in this world with all it has to offer. I accept the challenges that today brings. I am thankfull for books like those from Marja, to have those words encourage me on my journey.

One step at a time

This evening when I snuggle down on the couch I will pick up the book again and read on keen to see what I am going to be challenged with next. I know I am pleased my neighbours have a safe and sound car to travel in, that the newly decorated house turned out to be all it meant to be. I am keen to hear the stories from the diners and their amazing meals, and, when autumn comes round again, my husband and I are off to a warmer place, paying a visit to the children. Just thinking about that prospect warms my heart.

It is Sunday- a gift!

A day of rest- a gift

Sunday, a day of rest. And that is what we are doing. Taking it easy - but not by being inactive. A phone call to an aunt, a phone call to pa and two visits to show we care, family we care day!

People who are no longer in their youthful years but aging. Ma Netten- 81 years old and already farewelled a husband and daughter ( Leen's first wife), tante Jaantje at 85 and a widow for the past 20 years, not in good health. Pa-, alone for the past 15 years and at 84 still trying to stay independant. Tante Lien 'only' 72, farewelled 2 husbands  and last Friday lost her nephew who was like a son to her. Our Sunday- a day to give our time and attention to those dear to us.

That doesn't mean others aren't as special. A visit to my children would have been awesome to have been able to make, but isn't on the cards just at present. A visit to other family members... will also happen but not today! For now, we made a choice and on another Sunday others will see us appear on their doorstep.

Family, blood ties or not, people who are dear to us. People who play a part in our lives- near or far. Time, one of our most precious gifts - and the love we share. It is Sunday!